decisions, decisions

so, this past year and a half have been the craziest. ever.
I am so grateful for the gospel and that I have a loving Heavenly Father.

for all my readers, and people who know me personally, you know that I was supposed to go on a mission last year. I got my call in February and then I made the decision that I shouldn’t go.

it took a lot of praying and many, many trips to the temple to figure that out. and I was not happy about it. I was ready to go. I spent months preparing and learning so much. I knew I needed to listen to my promptings and do what I felt the lord was telling me to.

a week or so later I met hamilton, who I’m now married to. and a little over a month later, on the day I was supposed to fly to Australia, my father passed away.

if I would have gone on my mission, I would have been so far away and since its two days of travel, I would’ve missed my dad’s funeral. I was so close with him and this was/is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve had to/am still dealing with.

I know that I was supposed to stay home and not go on my mission; so, I could be here with my family during this difficult time. it was important for me to spend those months preparing and learning so much about the gospel as well as myself.

 just doin his favorite thing



so much love. our last picture together before he passed two months later.
rest easy daddy. June 30, 2014.

I am still realizing why it was important for me to stay home. 

so many things have happened other than my dad passing. 

my mom, nephews, hamilton, and I all went to Michigan in December.
hamilton proposed to me in January. 
I was going to college.
doing my best to do all the things I needed to.
I became financially independent.
planned my wedding.

it doesn’t seem like a lot, but it was probably the most hectic, awful, yet amazing year.
in the midst of all these things may 22nd hit.
it’s an emotional day for my family to begin with. my oldest brother, Satch, passed away in 2003. he was in a fatal car accident. and may 22nd is his birthday. so it’s always a bit of a gloomy day.

I was at hamilton’s house. sitting on the couch with his mom, him, and the little girl his mom watches. I get a call from my mom saying that my brother was in the hospital and her doesn’t know what’s wrong, but she’s on her way now and to say a prayer. 
 my stomach dropped. I had the biggest pit in my stomach and I knew something bad happened.
I get a call probably a half hour later from my mom. she just said that my brother Sam had passed. I had no idea what to even say. it was such a shock to me. all I said to her was “okay, I’m on my way home.”

I got up and went into hamiltons room. I had a lot of clothes at his house and i just started packing. mindlessly. 
hamilton comes in and asks me what happened. aware of the call I had with my mom saying he was in the hospital. I just shook my head. 
it was Friday which means I was supposed to be working and so was he. 
he called both of our works and we went on our way to Bradenton. 

my brother was such a gentle soul. he was so loving and kind and had a heart of gold. 
after our dad passed, he told hamilton that he felt like he needed to be a father-figure. and he was, all my brothers are. 



 like father like son haha

 Christmas morning is obviously really rough

I love my family so much and I feel like it keeps getting smaller. it is so sad and seems so unfair.

I know that there is a bigger plan. and who knows why things happen. all I know is that I am so grateful that I listened to those promptings over a year ago. if I hadn’t, I would’ve been in Australia during all these things and I know I would’ve had such a hard time. 

there have been some awful things that happened, but I know that I’m stronger and my heart is sad, but it’s so full of wonderful memories, and I feel like I have more love and understanding in my heart and mind than ever before. 

and less than a month later I married Hamilton Aaron Birkeland. it was the most beautiful and wonderful day of my life. my heart was heavy because of the most important people in my life, the ones who taught me the most, my dad and brother weren’t able to be there to celebrate this joyous day with me and the rest of my family. 

 I had to honor those who couldn’t be there

my life has been so full and amazing so far. I know that bad things have happened, and they don’t seem fair sometimes. but I try to stay positive because I know ill be with my family again one day. it won’t is soon and the journey there will not be easy, but it’ll be worth it. 


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